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When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by
suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten
class, the little girl was quite indignant.
"No mommy, I don't," she replied,
"because he's only interested in one thing."
Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.
"Transformers, of course," said the toddler.

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

Actual Police Accounts
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked
up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going
to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "No,
highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown
died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side
of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the
way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are
you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

At a government affair some years ago, the wives of four world
leaders are chatting about how people refer to a
penis in their countries.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people
call it a gentleman, because it stands up when
women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call
it a patriot, because you never know if it will
hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a
curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says
in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth...

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."

A rural Canadian was on trial for killing his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"eh man, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every week?"

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An
attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of
wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
Hell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It
had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold,
my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a DOUBLE BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not easy - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is overly CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom.

I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat
embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question:
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.

I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.

There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!!"

This is from an applied physics lab and it's probably the best office alert email... ever!

This is your 7 day warning. At 5pm on Friday March 7th the power to the entire APL campus will be turned off. Prior to that STL will begin shutting down it’s closed areas at 1pm and it is strongly suggested you vacate the closed areas by that time.

Again, we’re kindly asking people to just leave the lab by 1pm. I’ve heard rumors that TSD is predicting after the power goes out things are going to degenerate into a Beyond-Thunderdome type situation. Total societal breakdown man. Seriously, you don’t want to get caught up in this stuff unless you’ve seen the entire Mad Max series as well as all of Romero’s Night/Day/Dawn Living Dead movies (but not the new one, that was just stupid, c’mon, those zombies were on meth or something). By Saturday morning I’m guessing we’ll be dealing with at least a Level 2 Escape From New York scenario. Roving gangs of physicists attacking people with protractors, shifty looking software developers scurrying among the shadows looking for a place to plug in their laptops, and you just know the acoustic analysts will take over the entire sewer complex. I’m not sure who’s going to end up being the Duke of the Lab but whoever it is probably has a score to settle with their IT guy. Or any IT guy. So I’m moving to high ground. No joke, after I turn off all our classified systems I’m filling up the STL van with bottled water, microwave popcorn and aluminum foil. Then I’m going to floor that thing until I get to the perimeter. I’m guessing by this time the local sheriff will have welded the gates shut so I’ll have to ram them. The STL van tops out at about 8mph but I’m still expecting a huge explosion with a mushroom cloud and flaming pieces of van and fence shooting in all directions. I’ll bail out just before the impact and in the fiery chaos I’ll slip unnoticed through a hole in the fence. From there I’ll make my way to Montpeilier Rd. Then I’m going to barricade myself in La Palapa and wait for the National Guard and the inevitable tactical nuclear strike. You know, to keep the public from finding out what happened here.

STL expects to have all the bodies cleaned up and the closed areas functional by 8am Monday, March 10th.

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw she was a blonde and decided to
have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home,
got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder; still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate came out and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe to make the dents pop out. The roommate rolled her
eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

A five year old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's
response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to
his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if
you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis.

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy
and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were two
inches shorter it would be a perfect penis

A Professor from brazil was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 27-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?

Have a fifth one say.... BINGO!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer."

''Ye know'' said the Scotsman, ''I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.''

''Well,'' said the Englishman, ''at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.''

''Ahhhhh, that's nothing,'' said the Irishman. ''Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.''

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.

But he swears every word is true.

''Well,'' asked the Englishman, ''did this actually happen to you?''

''Not me meself, personally, no,'' said the Irishman . . . ''But it did happen to me sister.''

A man says to his wife get ready "you, me and the dog are going fishing," wife says "I dont want to go," the man gives her 3 choices "fishing, blow job or take it up theass" the wife picks blow job, after sucking for a while she says "this tastes like shit!" The man says "I know the dog didnt want to go fishing either"!!!!

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