daily updated jokes
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jokes from the world wide web
updated march 5 2008
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
-
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
-
The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder as you get older.
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other
day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they
like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I
asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get
on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again
she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for
a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her
chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was
unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on
the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even
know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree
with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured that we was friends."
-
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer."
-
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
-
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to
the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and
a
dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong .
-
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
-
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."
-
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
-
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they
lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her
skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went
home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
-
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Asian pranks
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7CNidWE9dl8
funny japanese talking english
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tDqwx4ZK7XM&feature=related
-
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