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jokes from the world wide web

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

Q: How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
A: By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Q: Why doesn’t smokey the bear have any children?
A: Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a cat?
A: A pussy-gobbler.

Three very pregnant ladies are at the OB/GYN office waiting for their appointments. One of the ladies is reading a magazine and says “Hey girls! This article says the position you made love in determines your baby’s gender. I was on top so I’m having a girl.”
The second lady says “I guess I’m having a boy then because I was on the bottom.”
The third lady bursts into tears. “I’m having puppies!!”

An Arkansas family is sitting at home watching TV when the daughter says, “Daddy, can I borrow the car tonight?”
Her father says, “Sure, but first you gotta give Daddy his special kiss.”
The girl hems and haws but eventually caves, knowing he won’t let her use the car unless she gives him what he wants. As she bends down to his nether regions to service him she smells something terrible. “Daddy, your dick smells like shit!”
“Oh that’s right, I lent your brother the car!”

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?”
The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, “You asshole, I’m drowning.”

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A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
-She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
-I got proof.

What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'.

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SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight o n Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

S MART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space..... understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver w ent to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family . unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost

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the next mike tyson in SECERT TRAINING come watch the videos here

this kid needs to get off myspace....and maybe start a career in a rock band or something

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~ The End ~

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