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A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

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Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

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This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

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*** Materialistic Guy ***

A man opened the door of his Ferrari, when suddenly a van came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Ferrari.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Ferrariiiiiiii!" he whined.

"You are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid Ferrari, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd.....," replied the guy, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

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*** Innocent Little Girl ***

A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says:

Priest: "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
Girl : "Rosepetal."

Priest: "That's a nice name."
Girl : "Yeah. When I was a little baby, a rose petal fell on my head and my daddy called me Rosepetal ever since."

Priest: "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
Girl : "Yeah."

Priest: "What's his name?"
Girl : "Porky."

Priest: "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
Girl : "No. He likes to fuck pigs."

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*** Latin Rivalry ***

There is a Spanish guy, a Portuguese guy and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train (the girl is sitting
between the two latin men). The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes completely dark. Suddenly, there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Portuguese guy are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Spanish guy is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. The Spanish guy is thinking Damn it,
that Portuguese guy must have tried to kiss the girl; she thought it was me and slapped me.

The girl is thinking, That Spanish guy must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Portugese instead, and got slapped.

The Portuguese guy is thinking, If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that
Spanish guy again.

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Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

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I was depressed last night,so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them that I was feeling suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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~ The End ~

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